Mega Piranha Review: Reel Big Waste Of Time

MEGA PIRANHA (15): On Limited Release From Friday 16th July

I love a good B movie as much as the next girl, unfortunately Mega Piranha is pretty f**king far from a good B movie. The concept might seem like a tiny contradiction but making good quality, low-budget movies is entirely possible. But they do need one thing that Mega Piranha doesn’t have – the ability to keep the members of the audience awake.

The basic, and I do mean basic, premise of this film concerns a team of American scientists in Venezuela who have accidentally created a mutated breed of piranha that are now on the loose and headed for Florida. Only one man can stop them. No, it’s not a qualified marine biologist with years of experience in the field, it’s US Special Agent Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) who manages to look and act like a mannequin throughout the entire film. Seriously, somewhere there’s a Topshop missing a window display model.

The lead scientist, Sarah Monroe, is played by Tiffany. That’s right, ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ Tiffany and not once does she, or anyone else, get to utter the famous lyric. Missed opportunity, guys. Logan didn’t fare any better – a scene in which this highly decorated agent escaped a Venezuelan army base and trying to avoid being captured had all the finesse of Dick Darstadly hiding behind a lamppost.

Both Monroe and Fitch are up against the hard-nosed Colonel Diaz, who, in typical movie fashion, doesn’t want to listen to Monroe’s pleas and instead turns the plot into the old military vs. science routine, (”Nobody’s paying you to think Mr Scientist!”) This resulted in more than a few trips in a helicopter and a lot of gun chases – isn’t this supposed to be a giant fish movie?

For the first ten minutes I found the cheesy dialogue and the piss-poor camerawork amusing but it’s actually exhausting to endure for an entire film.

It’s not exactly a compliment to say that the locations were the best thing about Mega Piranha but it’s true. The acting and dialogue are just awful, the action was surprisingly dull and the giant piranha get a limited amount of screen time. I could forgive all of this if the film bothered to be tongue-in-cheek about the whole affair but it took itself way too seriously and therefore lost any respect I might have had for it.

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