Teasing Titles: Top 10 Misleading Movie Names

Remember those old Ronseal adverts on the tellybox?

They proclaimed that it did exactly what it said on the tin and I think movies should be the same.

I’m not saying that I want movies to be called, ‘Moderately Funny Romcom’ or ‘Pretty Crap But Good Explosions’, though that would make deciding what to see on a Friday night much easier.

For example, I would expect a movie that has a title of ‘Big Booby Sex Aliens’ to at the very least have C cup action.

All I’m asking for is a title that tells us a little bit of what we’re in for and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you the other movies that can’t deliver on their names’ promises.

Here’s my top 10 titular tall tales.

THE NEVERENDING STORY

Well this was never going to fulfill it’s promise and I know it’s a cheap and obvious shot but it had to be noted.

While of course the film had to end, the sequels that followed didn’t include any of the major cast members from the first film so it didn’t feel like Bastian’s story was neverending.

Actually based on a German book it probably would have been a better title for a weekly TV show than a movie. Well, I’m still glad it was made but we don’t appreciate the exaggerated title.

Maybe if it had been done properly it could have been left open for a real franchise not a series of rubbish sequels; it could have been the Pirates of the Caribbean of it’s day.

Ah well, enjoy the trailer.

THE PINK PANTHER STRIKES AGAIN

Bumbling Inspector Clouseau returns in the fifth movie of the Pink Panther series but there’s a sneaky lie being told here.

The name ‘pink panther’ actually refers to a large diamond with a distinct panther shaped flaw in it. And yet in this movie there’s no diamond nor is there even a mention of it.

So if you were expecting another elaborate jewel heist movie you shall be disappointed. More to the point, the actual pink panther is just a diamond; how was it going to strike again exactly?

I get that people got used to the link between Clouseau and the pink panther but come come people, you’re just lying to us now and we don’t like it.

Oh and a memo to Steve Martin: you betrayed me. Expect retaliation.

12 MONKEYS

No it’s nothing to do with a crazy fun packed day-at-the-zoo movie. It’s time travelling and crazy people.

A wild eyed Brad Pitt and slaphead Bruce Willis star in this Terry Gilliam weirdy wonder where most of the population have been wiped out by a deadly virus. A convict, Willis, travels back in time in order to save the planet but winds up in a mental institution with beautiful Brad.

There’s some mention of monkeys but I think you have to have more than a mention of something to have it in your title.

I wanted some full on chimp action. Instead I had to watch Dunston Checks In to get my monkey fix. No one should have to do that.

DUCK SOUP

We can all appreciate classic humour but I simply don’t get this. The Marx Brothers are of course hilarious but the title has nothing to do with the plot.

Whatsoever. Not even close. When the small country of Freedonia comes into financial trouble, the wealthy Mrs. Teasedale tries to save the day by donating $20 million. But only if Groucho can be the new President. Hilarity but no duck.

Groucho Marx the title by saying, ‘Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.’ Funny but godamnit I want my duck soup.

Here’s Groucho and his rapid fire questioning.

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

Not a cat in sight in this adaptation of Tennessee William’s play of the same name where Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman struggle with a sexless marriage in the sweaty South.

The name comes from Maggie ‘The Cat’ Pollitt, who announces at one point that she feels ‘like a cat on a hot tin roof.’ Um, OK.

So, no, there’s no feverish feline desperate to escape a corrugated rooftop which would have earned us £250 from You’ve Been Framed. Instead there’s typical Williams style marital tension.

I’d rather see the cat. Here’s Liz and Paul having a little war of words.

RUNAWAY JURY

12 strangers on the run? Nope. 12 jurors kidnapped maybe? Nope. 12 people on their way to jury duty on a train and the train gets run off the tracks? Still nope.

Based on John Grisham’s novel, the movie follows John Cusack and Rachel Weisz as they manipulate a high profile court case.

There’s a tentative link between the title of the film and the content of the movie but seriously, Grisham couldn’t think up something a little more hard hitting than this? This is the guy that wrote The Firm and The Client!

At least Runaway Bride had the balls to actually have a bride that ran away.

Check out the trailer. I might think it’s a stupid name but it is actually a good movie.

DANCES WITH WOLVES

I was all atwitter when I thought there would be some sort of crazy dance party with a pack of wolves.

I got even more excited when I thought that there was a chance Kevin Costner would be eaten by said wolves.

But once again, I were disappointed to learn that just because Costner hangs about with a wolf for a bit, Dances With Wolves becomes his native American name.

Yes, ’twas a bit of a letdown. Surely in between Native Americans and cowboy shoot outs they could have had a big Broadway number. Actually, thinking about it, that would have been horrible.

MONSTER’S BALL

They did the mash, they did the monster mash. Well not in this film they didn’t.

There are no real monsters in this one, not like in Monster’s Inc., a film that can deliver on it’s title. The title comes from prisoners that were about to be executed being allowed one last hurrah before their death. Nice.

While it’s vaguely related to the content, there isn’t actually a monster’s ball in here. I was kind of looking forward to seeing something like the party scene from The Addams’ Family.

I can get over the fact that I was jipped on the monster front because Halle Berry is awesome and got an Oscar for her performance. Check out the trailer then go rent it.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER

Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz star in this poorly named adaptation of the book of the same rubbish title.

The title indicated to our childlike brains that there would be some posessed gardener who couldn’t stop himself from trimming hedges and planting geraniums. How wrong can you be; it’s actually a Government conspiracy thriller. So there.

The film follows Fiennes as he tries to solve the murder of his wife. And he likes to garden. Not enough for a title people! I like to play frisbee in our spare time but I can only hope that my movie biopic won’t be called Discs Of Fire.

Check out the trailer and agree with me.

RAGING BULL

An out of control herd of wild bulls? One renegade bull out for revenge on the people that killed his family?

No, that sounds too complicated to do with real bulls, let’s just have Robert De Niro do some boxing.

While of course I kiss the ground that De Niro walks on but I kind of wanted to see the bull revenge story, too. I imagine that it would have been like the wildebeast charge from The Lion King.

De Niro plays Jake La Motta, a real life boxer with a self destructive streak. The only thing that comes close to resembling a bull is the part of the movie where De Niro gets really fat.

Deceptively named but an incredible movie. Watch it, you’ll thank me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: